Liars Anonymous

There were only two indications that the weekly meeting of Liars Anonymous was convened in the basement of the old church recreation room: The first was a sign that said “L.A.” in bold red letters on a white background that hung on the door over the basement entrance to the building. The second was the handful of cars lining the handicapped spots in the otherwise barren parking lot, each sporting a less-than-believable (or “questionable”) blue and white tag hanging from its rearview mirror. 

Inside, the voices echoed and the lies amplified themselves as if to beg for recognition, forgiveness, and the desire for cessation.

A small circle of metal folding chairs had been set up within the large room. The small group was a mix of men and women; at a glance, a seemingly random selection of individuals snatched from any sidewalk at any time of day.

Bill and Betsy were well up to their necks in squabble as the others weakly tried to keep score. Joseph, the counselor, sat quietly among them, occasionally thumping a thumb against his knee, as if keeping pace with the lies and accusations. 

“Ah, we've been in worse shape!” Complained Bill.

“When? When have we been in worse shape? This is the worst!” Replied Betsy.

“Stop it, Betsy!” Shouted Bill. “I have proof – video, satellite surveillance, I know what you've been planning – a big take down! Our past is in the Guinness book of world records! Longest shouting match, most hateful comments! That time you tried to drown me at Lake Honnyhonny by hitting me in the head with an oar!”

Betsy gasped. “I've never been to Lake Honnyhonny with you! That must have been your girlfriend! One of your girlfriends! One of those girls you pay to be your girlfriend! Listen, People call me – strangers – to tell me they've seen this and it's the worst.”

“Nonsense. Which strangers? Seen what? No – the time you tried to stab me with a fork, in my head – the blood, the….”

“When did I do that? I never did that!”

“or, or… when I was abducted by aliens and they brought me back without feet and you just laughed and laughed…”

“This is what I have to deal with! Can you see this? He HAS feet!”

“These?! They’re not my feet! I mean, they’re my feet now, but…”

Some laughs gurgled over the screeches of folding chairs on old vinyl flooring.

“Joseph! Joseph! Why are you smiling? Are you in on this? You're supposed to be our counselor!”

“Bill, you’re telling us you were abducted by aliens and now have someone else's feet. Can you see what's happening here? Now you’re angry because we don't believe you? This is why we are here – you’re sliding into believing your own lies. First you lie, then you back up your lies to those you have lied to, and finally you begin to believe those lies. After that, you must believe them – because if you don't, what does that make you?”

“Easy for you to say!” Cried Bill. “And why is Betsy laughing? You were there! She was there! Betsy, don't you love me anymore, baby?”

A peal of laughter tore through the hall and the the L.A. sign pulled itself off its brass thumbtack and fell to the ground with a thud.

“I'm not Betsy anymore!” Smirked Betsy. “I'm Zergot, queen of the planet Smeeheehee! You simpering ass! I'm getting off the lying train here in Last Chance!”

The small group exchanged glances trying to get a fix on Betsy's statement. Was she lying? A few of the members clapped weakly.

Joseph put a hand in the air. “Hang on now!” He asserted. “That's a tall statement there, Betsy!”

Betsy rolled her tongue in her mouth as if tasting freedom.

“Off! Done! I've had it! I don't care what you believe or don't! Yeah, I hit him in the head at lake NonnyNonny or DonnyDonny or whatever the hell it's called! Yeah, I was lying about that! And yeah, I tried to stab him in the head with a fork! But look at him, wouldn't you?!”

“But-” sputtered Joseph, “Then Bill was telling the truth!”

Betsy smirked and mocked fervently, “Bill was telling the truth – Bill wasn't lying, you hurt Bill and his feelings! Wah, Wah!”

Betsy stood up and kicked her folding chair over. Joseph put a hand in the air but didn't bother standing.

“Bill,” shouted Betsy, “can kiss my ass!”

Betsy shifted her tongue around in her mouth as she flattened her faded blouse and shouldered the string on her purse.

“I may as well be on another planet! What a bunch of whining, lying, losers! I didn't see it! Thank you, Joseph! I've been dying. Dying among this - this pile of lies and – I, I used to be a good person!”

The group burst into laughter.

“No! Seriously!”

Again the laughter, now accompanied by applause.

Joseph stood up, walked over to Betsy and put out his hand. They shook hands slowly. Then Betsy turned and walked to the exit. As she stepped over the sign that said “L.A.” in bold red letters on a white background, the rest of the group continued to clap until she was gone.

Joseph waited a few moments before taking his seat and stretching his legs out before him.

“So!” He exclaimed. “What do you think about that? About Betsy and what she said?”

Bill was apprehensive but he smiled, rubbed his balding head and said, “Wow. On my life, I had no idea she was with the aliens!”

The end